I've been to a lot of pizzerias in my day, but I like CiCi's Pizza best
because it's so cheap and you get so much. One misconception is that
the posted price is final. I often haggle with the manager. "3$ for 9
pieces of pizza and three pieces of dessert pizza and pasta and salad
and breadsticks, that's outrageous. Who do I look like, Mr. T. With
all those gold chains." Usually I can get them down to a dollar fifty
if I bring my own cup and fork, and I agree to -no toppings-, and wear a
shirt . Sometimes they'll ask me to clean-up my table, and maybe a few
other tables before I leave. It's not so bad. Sometimes, I'll make
friends with families that sit beside me and I'll agree to wash their
dishes. Sometimes, I just check the bathrooms to make sure they have
towels and toilet paper stocked up. OKAY, YOU WIN. I work at CiCi's
pizza! It's the first job I've had in two years. I don't plan on
making it a career, it's just temporary until I find something better.
Don't sit there and think that your better than poor ole' scott, cause
you're not. Don't worry about me, cause I'll be back on top in no time
flat. I like getting out in the dining room and meeting people. It's
better than rotting in some cubicle all day like you do.
I wish more restaurants followed the new "slab" ice cream trend. You've
seen it at "Cold Stone Creamery" and "Marble Slab". You pick an ice
cream and a few toppings.. then they smash it all together on a stone
table. Why can't McDonald's try this entertaining method. I want a big
mac with pickles, lettuce, no mayo, cookie dough, gummy bears, heath bar, and raisins. They throw it on the
table and smash it all together with forks. Why can't that work?
Someone tell me. Thanks a lot Janet Jackson! You've made even the restaurants go all conservative!
I get all my fish from Long John Silver's because of their pledge never
to club shrimp. Also, they're 16 year-old manager assures me that the
dolphin platter has no dolphin in it. It's actually Whale parts.
As an ex-husband who never had a "stay at home" wife, I've had to learn
to do chores around the house. And I've picked up a few household tips
that might help out other men out there. Getting stains out can be
tricky, but there are solutions. For instance if you've got a blood
stain.. soak it in grape juice. If your dealing with a tough tomato
sauce stain, try ink. If you run into a stubborn grass stain, use
blood.
Here's another one. If your ex-wife works at a certain Waffle House,
don't ever take your current wife there. Even if your ex-wife is
supposed to be off that day.
They say there's no perfect crime, but what about murder by coke & pop
rocks. I've never seen anybody trace a pop rock.
If you're like me, you say certain phrases everyday, but have no idea
what they mean. I was sitting on my couch one day and thought about the
phrase "no-holds barred". I had no idea what it meant, and since my
dictionary had no batteries, I started sounding it out in my head. And
it worked! I first looked at "holds", it seems to be a wrestling term
as in putting someone in the "head-lock" hold. That's easy enough.
Then I broke down "barred". That means something is banned or illegal.
So then put it back together.. No+ Wrestling Moves+ are illegal. "No
holds barred" means nothing is off-limits, do what you want. Neat huh?
Here's another one I broke down. Describing a t-v or movie as "campy".
I started thinking about that. Camp is a place where kids go in the
summer, and often they'll put on bad skits and plays as part of their
curriculum. So to call "Batman: the TV show" campy, you're really
saying it looks like it was made by camp kids. Let me know if you find
other words that puzzle you.
It's always difficult to find out Tracey Gold has one month to live.
That's why I can't watch Lifetime Movies.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I sweat over my inventions, and I finally have something I think can catch on. I call them lowercase numbers. We have lowercase letters for less important words and uppercase letters to show us what's important. So what happens when you want to use a number, but put less emphasis on it. You can't because there's only one size for numbers. My new set of numbers would come in handy everyday. Like saying
"2 people died after they were poisoned today. In other news.. (imagine a symbol for lowercase 2 here) people found out their bagels were past the freshness date." It's tough to show you what I mean, because stupid microsoft won't include my lowercase numbers on their keyboards. You can tell they don't know anything about making money! But that won't stop me, I'm going to get the local kindergarden school to start teaching my lowercase ideas. And if they're still mad about me catching one of their school buses in the morning to get to work, then I'll go to somebody else.
Has this ever happened to you. I'm riding the ferris wheel at Myrtle Beach, and the dummy running the thing starts cranking it up faster and faster. Well it caught me by surprise, and I screamed briefly. And yes the scream might have sounded a bit feminine. But remember that I was caught off guard by the speed, and it was just after we came over the top of the ride. Well, the next thing I know, they bring the ride to a complete stop. We're all just dangling there as the ride operator is radioing for help. Then he gets on the intercom all out of breath. "I'm sorry about the inconvenience folks, but we may have an emergency. Several people, including myself heard the scream of a young girl, who sounded like she'd been injured. We've stopped the ride to see if we can find her. By the sound of the scream she may or may not have been pulled into the gear housing." So they let each of us off slowly, and start looking throughout the ride. It was so ridiculous, but I was still really embarrassed. To cover myself a bit, I even told the park inspector a lie. "Mr. Inspector, I don't know if this helps, but I saw a Girl Scout selling cookies near the gear box before we got on." He thanked me and started tearing the ride apart. I don't know if they ever found anything, because I immediately caught the funland train and got far away from there, but I'll always remember the day I learned to stay away from thrill rides.
A real conversation from my office:
Katina: You're an idiot Scott. Just because you're the only person who works at CNL, that doesn't make you the C-E-O.
Scott: Shove it, Katina.
Bill: You'll never get into the Bible with talk like that, Scott.
Scott: Are they still writing the Bible?
Bill: Yeah, it's called the new-New Testament.
(These are real people I work with, and also friends. Don't believe me? They said they would sign papers saying as such, if it's necessary.)
Don't get me wrong, I love the Lord of the Rings Movies. Peter Jackson did a fantastic job. But like any other fan of the books, I can always find stuff he left out, that I wish he'd included. For instance the Elves were really cool in the movie, with Orlando Bloom and all. Yet, they never brought up the cookies the elfs make. The film never explored that part of the Elven lore. In the book they bake them in a tree, with little chef's hats on. Just a suggestion.
I remember as a kid when Star Wars: Return of the Jedi came out. And all the boys went crazy because Princess Leia walked out in bathing suit in one scene. We were just at that age when boys start noticing girls, and oh boy was Princess Leia hot. It was a metal bathing suit too, which is a realistic depiction of what a space woman might wear on a desert planet. Yet while most of my friends couldn't stop talking about Leia's bikini, it didn't do as much for me. Oh, not because I'm gay or even "space" gay, but because the Princess was just a little too skinny for my tastes. I like a woman with a little meat on her bones. These skinny models that are popular today just don't have any curves. I like the curves. I guess you could say that Jabba the Hutt's figure was more interesting to me than Leia's. What a weird kid I was! Although Jabba's face was all jacked up, that was the only bad thing, and Jabba could use an eye lift. I wonder if Jabba was a guy or a girl? I guess I should check before I print this story.
You guessed it, I'm a Star Wars Junkie. 
It was everything to me as a kid. And yes, I'll be among the dorks camping out to get into Revenge Of The Sith. Only my wait will be much more grueling than all those other wimpy fans.
I'll be setting up my tent outside the dollar-fifty theater. Yes, times are tight this year, so I have to settle on being the first one to see Star Wars at the bargain theater. I'll wait a little longer, but it will be worth it. Theater Officials say it might not hit the half-price theater until sometime in August.
****UPDATE: Mandy Moore has made me come home.. so now I've camped out by my DVD player in the living room until Revenge Of The Sith comes out on DVD on November 1st. Don't know how I'll afford to buy it, but the cool thing is that I'm first in line whenever it comes in.
Why are public toilet seats in a U-shape, while your toilet seat at home is always in a O-shape?
Probably my best Hollywood story has to do with meeting BB King. It was on a couch in a Nashville Hotel Lobby. I told him how much I loved his music, and that he was a powerful performer. I also told him that he was an inspiration as a blind musician. Then he got right in my face and shouted "Do I look like Ray Charles!" I immediately calmed him down, "Look I don't blame you for being self-conscious, but take my word for it, you're much better looking than Ray Charles. I know you can't see that, but I'm being totally honest with you. It's no contest."
"I'm not blind, you white jackass!" he roared back, with his trademark gravelly voice.
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Are you the guy who's in a wheel chair?" Then to my surprise, BB stood up and stormed off. I don't know how he found his way around the furniture. Or is it Louis Armstrong with the gravelly voice?
So I finally tried it. I googled myself. The first couple links, I found out that I have a hottie rating or 2.5 out of 5. But the obviously biased score wasn't what worried me. I clicked this one link,and it had a webcam on it. So I load the webcam, and all of the sudden I'm staring at the back of my own head. I freaked out. I was terrified just to turn around. So I lift my hand up. And seconds later, the webcam shows me lifting my hand. It's for real, and I'm peeing myself at this point. I turn slowly, and look to the back walls. The camera has to be in an upper corner somewhere. I look for an hour and never find any signs of a camera. I decided that the best way to respond would be to put some pants on, go back to work, and just never go back to the website again.
Try gargling with your mouth closed. You can't do it can you? You're stupid.
I got one of those ice cream cakes for my Grandma. The only thing was I didn't want to pay the extra money to have it written on. So I bought my own tube of cake gel to do it myself. The problem was, later at home, I accidentally grabbed a tube of Neosporin as I went to write Happy Birthday. Not only did I write with it, I also made some little frosting flowers. Didn't notice the problem, until my cousin was eating a piece and commented that it was strange to have clear cake decorations. I was puzzled until I went into the kitchen and checked the label on the tube. Luckily, my grandma laughed about it and everyone else did too. Plus my uncle's cold sores cleared up.
Because of my battle with a condition known as 'British Teeth', I'm constantly checking the toothpaste aisle for new products. The whitening toothpaste looks helpful, but if you've seen me, you know I'm already pretty pale. I don't leave the house much. But the other day I found something great. AquaFresh w/ Tanning! What a great idea. I'm brushing and bronzing my skin at the same time! Being in a Latino family now, I won't stick out as much, or get made fun of for being the pale one in pictures. If you can't respect Aqua Fresh now, then you're just a jerk.
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