The Hard Rock Cafe really rocks. Well, sort of. I expected something a little different. I thought maybe someone like Tom Petty might be the bartender. You know what I mean, like Bruce Springsteen brings your club sandwich out with a chefs hat on. Those ladies from 'Heart' seat you as you come in. But it wasn't like that. Our waiter looked a little like the drummer from 'Foghat'.

You want to know the grossest thing that ever happened to me? Well, here it is. I'm walking around one day and it feels like there's a rock rolling around in my shoe. I pull off my sneaker and there's nothing in there. So I go walking off in my socks, and I still feel something moving around in there. Finally I sit down and jerk my sock off.. and guess what.. It was my severed pinky toe.

Now that I'm famous I constantly get calls from people whose voice I can't recognize right away. I mean I haven't seen these people in years and I'm suppose to recognize their voice after they utter 'hey, scott'. After I realize the person is just going to go on talking without announcing who they are, the call immediately becomes like a kidnapper making a ransom call, with me trying to trace their identity. My brain is frantically trying to place a face with the voice. The little man in my brain is holding up a sign that says 'keep him talking' and making a circular motion with his hand. The trace is running through my memory.. it looks like they live in Tennessee, they definetly drive a Honda. Red hair, they have red hair!... "Well, I gotta run scott, call me next week if you want those Panthers Tickets -click-". No wait.. dang we lost em!

Why don't more people use Aquafresh Toothpaste? I mean what more do people want from a toothpaste? This stuff was a miracle drug back in the 80's. Fight Cavities, reduce plaque and freshen breath? It seemed impossible back then. And don't forget the three colors, if astronauts brush their teeth, this is what they use. Maybe if they added floss in there too, people would finally get the message, this is great toothpaste. Maybe if you squeeze hard enough a dental hygienist comes out.

Those halftime contests at basketball games are more fun than the games themselves. You know, those people who try to make a half-court shot to win a million dollars. They usually miss but still get the five thousand dollars for trying. In fact if I got the chance, I'd miss the shot on purpose, that way I'm guaranteed to get five thousand. Hey, five grand is better than nothing.

I hate to admit it but my biggest fear is waiting on the toaster to pop up. At least with the jack-in-the-box they give you that music as warning. With the toaster there's no music, no memorable tune to gauge when the surprise is coming. If you're close enough sometimes you can hear the toaster straining just before it releases the bread, but you've got to be really close and that makes the scare even worse. I could turn the radio up really loud while I'm waiting, but then I forget the toast is coming and it gets cold. Try a cooking timer? Are you crazy, that's just another potential scare.

What's the word I'm looking for? The term for a photographer who only takes pictures of lifeguards. Dang, it's right on the tip of my tongue.

I'm at the mall when I run across actual screenplays from classic movies. The idea really starts to click with me. You can't bring a VCR to work or on the bus, but you can bring the screenplay. I'd be like taking a movie anywhere you go. So I march right up to the cashier and buy my own copy of "It's A Wonderful Life". Later I open the manuscript, and there it is on the title page "COLORIZED VERSION". Anyone who knows me, knows I abhor the colorization of classic movies. I threw the book in the trash. Oh, and one more warning.. don't bother renting CANNONBALL RUN. The screenwriter left out just about everything that made the novel so great.