Nothing makes me angrier than people who scoff at natural bodily functions. I'm coming out of the grocery store the other day, heading for my car, when some phlegm builds up in my throat. I hawk it up and spit it out. Then I look up and some lady in the next row is giving me a look. I was furious, but somehow I kept my cool. I simply shot her a look back, wiped my pant leg off, and drove away.

I'm watching the news around Halloween and I'm seeing vampire cults sacrificing children, a street gang dresses up like skeletons and goes around commiting drive-bys. What has happened to the world that Halloween has become such an evil time of year. Back in my day halloween was a special time of childhood wonder. A time when man and demon could get together and celebrate the gift of life. Will we ever see those carefree days again?

I worry about fish and their salt intake. They're always in that salt water stuff. Have you ever read the label on salt water? There's lots of sodium in there. No wonder fish are always darting everywhere, they've got high blood pressure.

I collect comic books and perhaps my most prized possession is my "Archie" Issue #75. The one where Archie dies. Everybody wanted a copy, but I lucked out and found it on the rack at a newstand. One day I'll sell it and put my kid through college.

Here's something I learned in Charleston: We don't like to admit it, but just about everybody has peed in the ocean a time or two. You're out on the beach and it's about ten miles across hot pavement to the nearest public restroom, you know the situation. Well, if you do decide to use mother nature's toilet here's a tip I learned the hard way. If you are going to pee you should wait until you get at least waist deep. Trust me this will save you a lot of awkward stares, especially from nosy old ladies and their grandchildren. Also it doesn't work as good if you're wearing white shorts.

Perhaps my most useful invention.. (besides the sleeveless vest) is the covered visor. I think we've all been wearing visors at one time or another and thought.."Man, it would be nice if this visor had some coverage over the top to keep my head out of the sun". We'll now that's possible. My new visor has the same nice brim as a visor.. but now I've eliminated the hole in the top. Now it's all fabric up there. I don't have a photo to show you yet, but to get a mental image try imagining a Baseball cap. It looks very similar.

If I told you that Patrick Swayze and Liam Neeson were in a movie together, wouldn't you want to see it? We'll there is such a movie! It's called "Next Of Kin". You should already be on the way to the video store to rent it right now. But if you're still not convinced.. I'll just let you know that Mr. Adam Baldwin also stars. Don't read another line of my webpage.. go get this film!

Is it just me, or is it gross to chew gum in the bathroom. It always happens at work. I'll be chomping some flavor crystals and then step into the restroom. Suddenly, I get this icky feeling like I'm chewing on whatever you might find in the bathroom. And whatever the bathroom smells like, the gum starts to taste like. Maybe it's all in my mind, but it's just gross. I did try to solve the problem. I started sticking my gum on the wall outside the bathroom before I went in, then when I came out I popped it back in. But the gum tastes funny that way too.

As I do every saturday night, I recently went shopping for shampoo. Now that I'm older I've started thinking about the earth and our environment. It's important to me to find a shampoo that doesn't go for animal testing. So I'm looking at the labels and don't see the testing issue mentioned on any of them. Finally, I find one that promises "98% Animal-Cruelty Free". I went home thinking I'd done a good deed by buying it. Then I started thinking. 98% is good for most of the animals, but what's up with that extra 2%. Are they just really sticking it to one pair of rabbits? I think all the other animals that are getting out of the cruelty should be ashamed. At the very least they should send the two rabbits a thank-you card.

When the weather gets nice I start thinking of all the homemade games me and my dad used to play. Kick the pine cone, lawn-jart tag, pin-the-tail-on-the -homeless person, find mom's wallet. It's times like that I start to miss my pop. I'd even like to know where he is. I mean I know he's in prison, but it would be nice to know which prison.